WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE: TRY TO STAY GROUNDED

I'm not a parent. I haven't yet found a partner eligible to fertilize my seed and bring an army of young Captains into this world. But I know if I did, I'd be a lot more responsible with my offspring than most of today's spawn-masters are.

You know that story from way back in the day -- "You give a mouse a cookie, and he'll want a glass of milk. Then he'll want a can of soda. Before you know it he's hanging out at Bubby's Tavern on Friday nights, doing lines of coke off naked hookers with a bunch of deadbeats who work at the local warehouse, and blah blah blah, you know the story."

Well, the moral of that story is that actions have consequences, and little allowances often lead to big problems.  Parents obviously have no trouble impregnating this message to their young -- every kid in America has heard the give a mouse a cookie story -- but do the parents actually heed the moral themselves? 

Let's tie this into current events, make this a little more relevant, okay?

Today, a 6-year-old knucklehead, feeling confused and unloved because his insane mom appeared on the reality show Wife Swap (a real credit to America, a wonderful piece of culture), climbed into his parent's balloon and tried to sail away, seeking passage to a better world. 

A world in which the complexities of contemporary American family life are nullified. A world with no societal constraints. A world where love is given unconditionally, to everyone. A world where imagination runs wild. A world where a kid can be a kid, no exceptions. 

A world eerily reminiscent to the one that a young boy named Max sails to in the most-hyped movie ever: "Where the Wild Things Are."

Wow! Today's balloon boy adventure and tonight's can't-miss movie premier are PRETTY DAMN SIMILAR. Let's compare the two:

WTWFA: A young boy (Max) feels unwanted when his mother shuns him so she can hang out with another male, the un-ruffleable Mark Ruffalo. 

Balloon Boy: A young boy (Falcon) feels unwanted after his mother shuns him so she can hang out with another family, the Martels. 

(By the way, what the fuck kind of a name is Falcon? Is it any surprise that this kid tried to soar away into the heavens? Parents today name their kids as if they were using the "create-a-player" function on Madden 2009. Sure, if I were creating a video-game running back with 4.2-speed, I would probably name him "Jaguar Slashfeet." But my child? Let's settle for Frank, or Bill -- I guarantee you Frank and Bill don't hijack spaceships from their parents house. Frank sells hot dogs on the corner of 44th and Washington, and Bill delivers mail in Monroe County. No need to worry about those good ol' boys). 

WTFWA: Searching for love in a cold world, Max sails away on a magical ship to a land where giant monsters play and sing the day away, romping and running rampant with their accepting, free-loving ways. 

Balloon Boy: Searching for love in a cold world, Falcon sails away on a magical balloon to the land of the clouds, where mystical sky-people help him ride wondrous moon-ponies into the eternal sunset of Valhalla. 

WTWFA: In the end, Max never leaves his actual room. His trip takes place in his imagination, but he gets a book and movie created about him nonetheless.

Balloon Boy: In the end, Falcon never leaves his actual room. His trip takes place in everyone else's imagination, but he gets a bunch of news coverage and publicity nonetheless. 

WOW! What the fuck do you know? It's no coincidence that two of today's biggest news stories are related.

Let's take this back to our "If you give a mouse a cookie" story, and how parents today are way too irresponsible. 

If you are a parent with a crazy home life, a wildly imaginative named son (named after a creature known for flying through the stratosphere) and a fucking space shuttle in the backyard, don't expose your kid to a movie in which another attention-hungry boy rides a wonder-boat to another universe. 

Do you think Michael Vick let his kids watch 101 Dalmations, Beethoven, or Homeward Bound? Fuck no! Unlike Balloon Boy's adult-rulers, Vick knew that you shouldn't mix Hollywood with fun family pastimes, whether it be flying balloons or manhandling puppies. 

"BUT CAPTAIN!" you protest, "HOW COULD THE PARENTS HAVE SHOWN FALCON THE MOVIE? IT DOESN'T COME OUT UNTIL TONIGHT!" 

What, you thought I didn't think of that? Think again. 

The WTWTA book has been in print for over 45 years. What are the odds this storm-chasing mother read it to her son? 

Well, yeah, the odds aren't good, considering she's a neglectful mother. But she probably at least gave him the book on tape, along with a new "Bob the Builder" action figure and a package of Oreos, and let him run free while she scoured the internet for cool reality shows currently accepting applications.

So, like I said, if you give a mouse a cookie, the mouse ends up in rehab. If you let your kids watch WTWTA, your kid flies away in a homemade aircraft. I understand the equation. The kids obviously understand the equation. Parents, do you understand? 

The space ship is in your backyard: it's your move.

CAPTAIN CHEDDARSTORM