You're at an airport, or a mall. There are these handy devices that facilitate your walk up the stairs, because its too much work fighting gravity for just even seconds. But instead of allowing the escalator, this magical moving staircase of anti-exertion, to ASSIST your brief ascent, you stand there like a dumbass and let the machine DO ALL THE WORK.
You know who you are. You miserable, lazy (when I say lazy, I mean even lazier than the average drive-thru window douchebag) complacent, room-temperature, spaghetti-dicked string beans who won't even move your fucking feet on the escalator, but just stand there like a piece of shit, happily waiting to get swirled down the drain.
Is it too much effort to lift your feet? Working in concert with this moving piece of machinery, which will do 90 percent of the work anyway, you could get up the stairs in 4 seconds rather than 12. Simple.
But this isn't about time. It's about a lack of energy and a surplus of indifference.
Being nonchalant is cool if you are James Dean, Tom Brady or any other fighter who defines himself by stoicism and coolness in the face of danger.
But if you're a flaccid wiener wanly wallowing around on a moving staircase, you deserve to burn in the hottest realm of Satan's burning inferno (senior citizens, the disabled and people carrying extremely heavy or cumbersome bags are excused).
Here's what you're telling the world when you don't work with the escalator, but completely rely on it: "As soon as someone else lifts one finger to help me, I'm done. They're being so kind as to offer, so I'm going to let them do all the work. WHY HELP MYSELF WHEN SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR ME?"
If I was waiting for someone to pick me up, I'd start walking instead of standing there idly for 10 minutes, doing nothing but sticking my hand down my pants and cycling through the display settings on my cell phone.
Are we that helpless? How weak have we become that taking four steps is too much of a hassle?
Mike Burgercock, walking off the airplane: "Man, that was a long flight. My legs sure are tired from doing nothing for five hours. I wish I could continue to not use them instead of walking with this rolling duffel bag behind me."
Al Shetterman, his close friend: "Don't worry, Mike. This airport has moving walkways. We can actually make it to baggage claim WITHOUT EVEN MOVING."
Give me a fucking break.
If you're gonna use the escalator, or moving walkway, walk with it. Cooperation is a beautiful thing.
CAPTAIN CHEDDARSTORM
No captain, it's people like YOU who make life miserable. You know the type: the type that overgeneralizes during boughts of extreme self-righteous soap box preaching. The type that feels the need to explode (loud enough for all to hear) after facing a heart assaulting stress session that coincidentally seems to happen bi-daily. Maybe someone stood in front of you on an escalator while you were running your standard 5-15 minutes late to an appointment, or you were on pace to walk in to the tune of 12:00:01 for a noon rendezvous. Is that the fault of the "complacent, room-temperature, spaghetti-dicked string bean" in front of you, or the arrogant, whiny kings of leon hair cutted muppet behind them?
ReplyDeleteAllow me to cut another slice (of almond encrusted cheddar ball) for you... Maybe I had an exhausting gym session at 6 am because I knew it was my only time to get a solid 'does a body good' sweaty workout crammed in before going off to the insurance claim processing plant. Maybe, unlike 95% of America, I hit the streets Rocky style dominating a small town 5k, then curled some hand weights to prep my arms for a long day of making copies. MAYBE that 20-35 second ride up that polished metal compadre is my time to catch my breath, relax, and put myself together during a long day of grinding. Expanding upon that theme, maybe it's even the perfectly portioned time window it takes to squash any residual under-arm condensation before a full blown pit stain scenario. A far stronger motivation than the blanket, jr. psychologist assumption that not shuffling up an escalator is an external indicator that I refuse to offer help when others assist me (or maybe it's all rooted in an oedipus complex, but I'm not sure. It's all very Freud.) Or just maybe... I am one of hundreds of other people with similar explanations as to why from time to time I impede your stampede up and down some moving stairs for a few god damn seconds. It's a perfectly acceptable social construction to come to a stand still on an escalator, even though moving along from time to time is appreciated.
Oh, and most times I do.
-The Jarlsberg Avenger
Great response, Mr. Jarlsberg.
ReplyDeletePlease contact me if you'd like to bring your own brandy of self-righteous judgmentalism to KHS. We are always looking for fresh content.
You know where to find me.
CAPTAIN CHEDDARSTORM
Most moving sidewalks and escalators are set up so that there is a normal sidewalk/set of stairs right next door. why don't you take those and save yourself the aggravation?
ReplyDelete